For those of you reading this on Steve’s Facebook page, this blog was written by his blogging partner Scott.

The other day I was talking with a very dear friend, and she was sharing with me her angst about some friendships of hers that aren’t mutual. She feels angry and let down by the fact that she is constantly putting the energy into these relationships, and the other parties are not bringing their fair share to the table. She’s been contemplating moving on from these relationships. No doubt we are all familiar with this scenario.

The other side to the coin, however, is that the other parties involved are not actually as relationally capable as my friend is. They are less healthy people, with less relational infrastructure in their lives and a comparatively lower capacity to love. I pointed this out to my friend, along with the observation that as much as my friend is brining everything she has to these relationships, so too are the other parties. It’s just that they have less to give. In fact, in these circumstances, it would be unreasonable for my friend to expect the other parties to behave in the same manner as herself.

This was difficult for my friend to come to grips with, primarily because her assumption within these relationships was that they were mutual friendships, though she had begun to see that through no fault of either party these relationships were by default not mutual. She was angry that her expectation of mutuality was not met, but it became apparent that her expectation for mutuality in the first place was unreasonable.

So what should my friend do? Should she move on from these relationships, or should she re-orient her expectations and continue to extend herself towards these people without expecting much in return?

The answer to this question lies entirely in my friend’s balance of relationships. I have come to the belief that it is necessary for a healthy adult to exist in a balance between three different types of relationships, what I will here call mentor relationships, peer relationships, and disciple relationships.

Mentor relationships are those in which the individual learns from a wiser and more knowledgeable mentor who is comparatively further down the path of growth. The mentor provides energy for growth to the individual. Peer relationships are those in which an individual journeys along the path of growth with friends who are on the same level. They involve a mutual exchange of energy. Disciple relationships are those in which the individual assists a disciple who has not journeyed as far as the individual; where the individual becomes a mentor to the disciple. The individual gives energy to the disciple.

As we progress through different stages of life, the healthy balance of these relationships changes. A baby has only mentor relationships with its parents. Children begin to develop peer relationships. Through the course of adolescence individuals will begin to encounter disciple relationships, but still require a proportionately much higher amount of mentor and peer relationships. As the individual progresses through adulthood, particularly as they become parents, they become less reliant on mentor relationships and more generative in disciple relationships. The wise elder will likely have no mentors, few (if any) peers, and many disciple relationships.

My friend, as a young adult, still requires much input from mentors and significant peer relationships in order to healthily grow. However, since these requirements are relatively well fulfilled in her life, she also has the capacity to give a small amount of energy into disciple relationships. Is her current predicament a suitable context to begin discipling her friends? Or is she already extending herself in other disciple relationships, and would she be placing too high a demand on herself to disciple too many people, causing her to burn out? These are the questions around which I encouraged her to make her decision.

Another note which I feel needs to be made is that in my experience, as particular relationships become increasingly intimate, the distinction between mentor, peer and disciple becomes increasingly blurred. Particular long-standing mentor relationships in my life have at times edged closer to peer relationships. In intimate peer relationships I am at times a mentor and at times a disciple. And as disciple relationships endure the test of time, we begin to discover that our disciples have not only become close friends and peers, but our disciples even begin to mentor us.

Posted by Scott @ 9:38 AM